All that preparing, fretting, sleeplessness, and stressful time juggling. Am I disappointed that only two women showed up? No. Let me tell you why....
One morning after a meeting with a family from church, I drove up to the overlook by a nearby lake. I had felt distant from God for a while, so I was thankful to pull out my Bible up there and have a lovely quiet time in the sunshine. And I prayed for a long while, something I hadn’t gotten to do in a while. Deep. Sweet. The type of prayer time where you pray to the Lord and know He’s heard you. Nothing is hidden from your heart’s thoughts. I asked Him what He wanted me to do with my future. Asked Him for an obvious open door.
The very next day I received an email from the organizers of a church conference I had signed up for. They were opening up seminar slots to anybody who wanted to teach. You probably don’t know this but teaching to women at a Christian conference has been a long dream of mine, ever since my first conference at age 8.
I’m glad God is wise. Back then, I only had “teachings” of echoes of what I’d heard from others about God. But since then my Lord has taken my heart and showed Himself to me personally. Teaching me. And here was the opportunity to share that with the world. My heart was ecstatic! I was not expecting an answer to prayer so quickly! My mind wavered a bit. I was only just back to feeling close to God. Was it the right time? Was I ready? I talked with my mom a bit, prayed, sent an email to the organizers about my youthfulness, and prayed some more. I came away with this: it would be a step of faith. I had prayed for an open door. This door was open. I needed to prove that I had faith in God’s answer by taking this step forward. I submitted a form of my proposed topic and prayed for God to give the organizer’s His discernment as they selected the speakers. It was God’s decision now.
It had been over a week and I hadn’t heard anything. Maybe, I thought, that means I wasn’t chosen. Then two days later… I found out I hadbeen selected!
I don’t believe God can ever do foolish things.
They might not make sense—like thinning an already small army to fight a huge one; letting a young shepherd fight Goliath; or using a fugitive murderer to speak before a king on behalf of an enslaved nation. They might not make sense but they are always wise.
1 Corinthians 1:25-29
“Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.”
All the other men and women selected to talk at this conference had bios containing things like 40 years married, 30 years in the ministry, 3 successful church plants, full-time pastor, stay at home mom of 5. Then there was me. 21 year old. Not employed in direct ministry work. Single. Living in my parents’ basement. And simply having fun with a tiny YouTube channel and obscure blog.
Yep.
Why was I selected again?
I was honored and thrilled, but felt a little out of place. However I clung to faith that God’s wisdom orchestrated it all. His foolishness is wiser than the wisdom of men. God chose me. And He is wise. I swallowed it in faith.
So many days leading up to my talk I felt under attack. I messed up in big ways at work. I got a really bad sunburn that often shot twinges of pain up my shoulders. Sleep evaded me most mornings before my needed 8 hrs were in, but my newly discovered allergy to corn made my favorite caffeine source unviable.
And I really, really didn’t want to be prideful. So I decided I wouldn’t tell anyone that I was teaching if it wasn’t from a humble heart. So not many knew.
One coworker, the first Christian I met at my workplace, I knew had studied to become a pastor. I wanted to tell him about my opportunity and also get his tips, but every time I thought to myself, “If I can’t do it humbly I can’t do it.” Finally on the last chance before I left work for the conference, I had the right heart, so I walked over to his department, finding him at his desk. “Got any advice on teaching a seminar?”
“…What’s your topic?” He asked.
“The Gospel Over Failures.”
“Oh, so you’re going to be telling the story of your life….”
Haha. This guy. He used to be my boss, so it’s hilarious to me that as soon as I mentioned “failures,” he assumed (rightly) it was the story of my life.
His advice, though, was actually really helpful. He said to consider my audience of women and teens. For the older women I’m sharing an encouraging testimony of God’s faithfulness in authoring a beautiful victory. Then for the younger women, those probably in the same place I was, I’m showing them there’s hope of life beyond the present struggle. There is another side, and here’show I got out of here and into there.
The thought of talking to a girl who is where I was made my heart burdened with love and excited to share what the Gospel of Jesus has done in my life.
I also got to talk to my sister who actually has a big dear heart to see women teaching women at conferences. And my dad and mom were my proof-readers and counselors in all the drafts of my talk. And many were praying.
The week of, plans started being finalized of who from my church could also go to the conference. Through different situations that came up, I became the only one from my family going. The only single gal from my church. And the only college-aged person from my church. The other folks going from my church were a grandpa and grandma aged couple, an older gentleman, and two families—all people I’d been around but wasn’t close friends with prior to the journey. They themselves were already close knit, though, especially the two families.
Traveling with strangers to a conference of strangers. A possibility of being alone in a dorm room. The meal shifts being split into two shifts by last name and mine being “alone” in the second shift. Preparing for my first talk where I’d be up in front, alone, sharing things dear to my heart with an unknown crowd of Christian women. I took a deep breath and reminded myself: “God’s foolishness is wiser than the wisdom of men. He began this work; He is faithful to finish. I am not alone.”
When we were almost to the destination and helping the two families unload at their air b&b, the feelings of unbelonging pressed in harder. The moms swapped stories of mom-ish things, the dad’s fired up the grill outside, and all the kiddos played together up in the loft. But “God
began this work; I am not alone.”
We arrived at the conference and registered. Then I lugged my suitcases to my 3rd floor door room. Inside the first door of the room were actually two rooms with two beds each and a bathroom. One of the rooms had suitcases and things in it. Not alone! I claimed one of the beds in the empty room, scribbled an introduction note for the gals in the other room, and headed back downstairs.
I knew the conference had reserved the whole campus, so figured everyone I saw there was with the other churches. One couple was unloading a van, so I offered to help them carry their luggage. They said they got it, but we got to visit for a bit. They were from a church in L.A. The husband was on the phone and he said a familiar name.
“I know L.A. is huge,” I said, “but a couple summers ago my sister went to the L.A. church. Do you know her?”
And actually, they did! I was 9 hours from home, talking to folks all the way from L.A, and they knew my sister! Wow. I wasn’t alone. I was connected in ways I didn’t expect.
The first session of the conference began. I looked around at the over 760 adults, teens, and babies. My heart twinged a bit as I saw clusters of teen friends, close siblings, and synchronized
couples. I missed my family. I missed my college gang. But I turned back to the
picnic blanket where my church homies were gathered off to the side of the
tents. This was my gang. I may’ve felt like the odd one out, but God had me
here and was beginning to prove that I belonged.
During one of the “greet-yer-neighbor”times I spotted some familiar folks from a sister church in Omaha that I had sort of met through our churches’ campus ministries. And who should turn out to be my roommates? Yep. These girls.
During the singing of the first session one of the little girls from my church came up to her parents who both had their arms full. Then she turned to me and let me pick her up, cuddling on
my shoulder. This girl used to always be aloof of me and never want anyone to hold her but her parents. Now she, having traveled 9 hrs. beside me in the car, was willingly almost falling asleep on my shoulder. And her name is very similar to “sanctuary,” which reminds of the Sanctuary from my allegory, the place were Little One comes to truly know the King. The King was there at Faithcamp in my “unbelonging” and sweetly confirming where He willed me to be.
I prayed that my eyes were open to see Him at work.
The next days held seminars, sessions, and gorgeous weather. I got to meet new friends, greet people who knew my family, and began filling up my journal with notes from the talks I heard.
I got to read 1 John 1:3-4 one night.
“what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ. These things we write, so that our joy may be made complete.”
I have this joy from what God wrought in my testimony—from being freed—and I write, and by God’s strength speak, that my joy may be made complete. It’s like testifying of it completes it. Puts it all into words. Saves it. Preserves it. Joy was bubbling in my heart as I looked forward to teaching.
The night before my talk the band put on a late night concert on the lawn. I love singing for Jesus with other believers, but I found myself overly distracted by the people around me and the PA was very loud up close, so I moved to a bench back quite a ways away by myself. I also wanted to pray and prepare for my seminar.
“God, I don’t want to do this alone. The enemy has tried and is trying to get at me with feelings of being too young, inexperienced, unbelonging, and alone. And he seems partly right; I'm young, inexperienced, and stand out from the rest. But You brought me to this door. I don’t want to step through it without Your blessing, without You.”
As I stared up at the fading sunset sky filled with majestic clouds I remembered the scene from the Chosen where Nathaniel is under the fig tree, asking God if he was seen.
Then a familiar song started up at the distant concert: “I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night as You tell me that You’re pleased and that I’m never alone…”
“Thank You, Father.” Tears sprung to my eyes. The Lord of the universe knows where I’m at and planned that exacte song with those exact poignant words. As I was praying in the dead of night,
God tenderly brought whispers of His love, His pleasure in my obedience, and His presence.
He is a good, good Father.
His love is beautiful.
Who am I?
Saturday morning arrived. I woke up at 6:00, knowing that the cafeteria for breakfast wasn’t open til 7:15 and the first session at 8:30. I wasn’t hungry anyways, my stomach in knots. I stepped over to the open window where the cool of the morning seeped in the non-air-conditioned room. “Lord, today is Yours. I am Yours. Help me to praise You as I ought.”
Stealing quietly out of the room, I began the morning with some worship songs on the mandolin. My phone sang its jingle. From my dad. “Jeremiah 1:6-7,” the message said.
“Then I said, “Alas, Lord God!
Behold, I do not know how to speak,
Because I am a youth.”
But the Lord said to me,
“Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
Because everywhere I send you, you shall go,
And all that I command you, you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of them,
For I am with you to deliver you,” declares the Lord.”
My sister had actually sent me these verses too. My mind couldn’t focus very well on anything, but I clung dearly to these verses.
My talk was scheduled for 3:00. Time. Counted. Down.
2:47, I started my trek to the building. The first day I had taken a walk to find it and find the right room, peeking inside to get a feel for what would be happening. Now it was time. I gripped my computer bag, searching my mind for a verse or song for peace.
“When I think I’m going under,” came to mind, sung in my mother’s voice, “part the waters, Lord. When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea. When I cry for help, hear me, Lord, and hold
out Your hand. Touch my life. Still the raging storm in me.…”
“Praying for you, girl,” an Phoenixian friend said as I walked past her.
I knew my family, and as many friends as knew, had been praying too, even a reacquaintance couple that I had spotted on one of my work breaks and mentioned my opportunity to. And already, I had seen God answering in His kindness. God had a plan for me to speak. The enemy didn’t want it to happen. But here it was. I stepped through the doorway to the classroom. This was it. Time to make God famous.
Two women? All that preparing, fretting, sleeplessness, and stressful time juggling. Am I disappointed that only two women showed up? And it was two I already knew? No; I’m not disappointed. Because God showed up too.
In all the ways I just described, I hope you can see the Father’s loving hand. So much confirming. So many details by an authorship thick with wisdom. Oh, dear reader, where God leads, He is faithful every step of the way! Seeing the beautiful huge mountains out there in that part of the country, the thought dawned on me that in my allegory of Little One's mountain journey, the journey is bigger, longer, and more challenging than I had first pictured in my head with Kansan hills. But the view from the top, looking back down all the twists, clambering, and rocks of the trail up there, is a glorious reward, drawing out praise.
Here’s a link to my talk if you’re interested: The Gospel Over Failures_Faithcamp2023
Thanks for reading! May our Lord bless you today!
